An Interim Report

As most of you will know, a SIVL CompSafNet Defcon 5 Task Force was setup a few months ago and asked to sort out all the problems that have recently blighted the world of on-bar, lee-side thermalling, small silver trophies and skinny wings.

A few months ago they went off armed with pencils and have now returned to put pen to paper. Or key clicks to keyboards perhaps. They promised an interim report. So they wrote one.

The long awaited interim report has been anxiously awaited by many competition pilots as it will recommend to the powers that be what options they have to choose from when defining how competitions will run in the future. Not only the comps, of course, also the wings that may be flown, by whom, when, where and how. Although we are reliably informed that paragliders of a single tether set are off the table.

Well, it's been finished and it's been submitted, and almost on-time. [impressive - Ed]
And, of course, it's been leaked, presumably by the Ozzies.

What a choice of font! Stunning. Those boys know how to make a presentation all right. Not only does it set the professional tone of the document at the right level, it leaves the reader with [enough bullshit, get on with it - Ed]

So to the all important content. Those who have the time to read the document will have already done so, but there will be pilots out there who simply don't have the time to read and digest the entire tome. Enter Pie, with one of our enterprise class executive summaries.

The Pie executive summary:

"Everything, within the bounds of common sense, that you can possibly think to change about wing class definitions, harness safety, pilot training, accident reporting, task planning, wing testing, task scoring and anything else related to the competitive side of our sport that may help improve safety is on the table to solve this almighty balls up.

Over to you SIVL. Choose one please." 

Well, that clears that up then.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 2001 "Bognor Regis Birdman" videos

Material Crisis

IT RATHER seems that September is not a good month to be a paraglider manufacturer. You may remember Pie reporter Maribel "Rose" Culottes broke the "White Wash" story this time last year when she discovered some manufacturers were running short of Posher-9017 and using Y-fronts in EN-C's? Well, here at Pie we're getting that sense of deja-vu again. Once more, again.

Trawling the net for the latest news, leads and stories for our readers we stumbled upon a video of a wing still in development and we think we've uncovered something untoward. And we think it shows they've lost those rolls of white cloth again.

"Surely not?", we hear you say.
Well yes, we think they surely have.

If you examine the following still frame from a secret, never-before-seen video we found on Vimyo, we're pretty confident you'll agree something is amiss.

Amazing, isn't it? There it is. Right there, in red and white.

Due to their failure to implement a decent JIT supply system and have the right materials, at the right place, at the right time, for the right wing, they're going to attempt to con customers out of half their bloody wings. The nerve of these guys! Do they really think they can get away with simply not supplying the bottom sail?

We've handed our findings to the Trading Standards Institutits and await their reply.

Meanwhile, somewhat unsurprisingly, Blozone were unavailable for comment.
[it must be all that R&D - Ed]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1972 "Robert Livingston Seagull patio door" accident

Task Force II

WELL YOU'RE just not going to believe this one.

This morning we received a press release direct from Hollywood. Yep, direct from Hollywood. Amazing, huh?

At the time of going to press, we were unable to preview the trailer or confirm the movie plot beyond the press release we received. So it's anyone's guess as to what this movie is about.

Perhaps we can presume it contains something of interest to PG pilots. Maybe.

Here's the press release in full. You decide.

Quote:


.. Univursal Studio Pictures presents...

.. .. .. a Farcical Moments / SIVL Pictures Production...

.. .. .. .. .. of a Calvow All-Ridge Film...

.. .. .. .. .. .. .. in collaboration with Film Four, R11 Offshore Rigs and Snoozewell Hospital Beds LLC...

 TASK FORCE II - - - This Time It's Personal !!

After the failure of their first mission behind enemy lines, the boys are going back.
And this time it's personal.
And this time they're taking notes !!
(and guns)
(but mainly notes)

Picking up (the pieces of) where they left off in the first movie, Bruce Willis (Knutson) takes on the might of The Baddie (IsInDerGarden) over the "Testing Ground" that is CAT-1 territory. Overrun by enemy test wings this no-mans-land is no place for a girl, but nothing will stop The Bint (Joe Lyn) from keeping her man alive.

With the timebomb ticking, and future wing development at stake, can our hero save the day and grab an extra .3 glide? Will he be able to squeeze an extra 3kph top end into wind? Will he get off the speedbar before it cravattes this time?

When the going gets tough, the tough buy serial class. No shit !! Shit, No !!


 TASK FORCE II, the all-new Farcical/SIVL blockbuster starring...

Gregorial Knutson as "Bruce Willis"
Jorge Uweld is "The Organiser"
Jon Wolton is "The Notetaker" (legal and A4)
Gosh Cohen is "Jesus' Mum"
Loo Joe Lyn is "The Bint"
Mad IsInDerGarden is "The Baddie"
Hands Pampas is "The Designer"
Rusty Ogler is "The Pilot"
Tungsten Steal is "Mister Pink"

and introducing:
.. .. The Serial Killer as "himself"

Coming Soon To A Cinema Near You !!
(well, maybe next year) (or later)

There you go folks. Grab a Coke and a small popcorn because it sounds like it's going to be a roller-coaster of an action adventure movie !!

[I think I'll wait for the DVD, Ed]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1494 "Leonardo da Vinci Training Hill" videos

Naming Conventions

IT TRULY is amazing what we receive in the post!

Once again the postmaster general has brought us an anonymous tip which we feel obliged to share. Our French is terrible, but it does rather seem to be an official government form of some kind.

Make of it what you will.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1494 "Leonardo da Vinci Training Hill" videos

A Christian Interview

WE GOT it! That's right, the one they all wanted... we got. We got that late Thursday night interview with Christ Yan Moorer. Yep, the one they said would never happen. The one those hacks over at XC-Rag can only dream about and those mainstream TV anchors wouldn't think of putting on air, but here at Pie we don't give up easily, we stick with it to give our readers what they really want to read. Really, really.

After flying and running for the length of your average continent, Christ-Yan went on a bit of a bender with his support driver (Thomas Thingy-whatever) to blow off the stress and strain and ease those aches and pains. And let's face it, you'd need a fair amount of good quality alcohol to ease those aches don't you think?

So last Thursday we somewhat lucked out when we bumped into them in Monaco's famous "Big Tits 'N' Even Bigger Tits" club. This surprised us a little as we were led to believe the Christ was a quiet, unassuming man of modest character and a well balanced demeanor. So, WTF, always happy to get it where we can, we sat down to see if all that sponsors liquor was having an effect and speak to the newly crowned king of the mountains. (and Thomas Thingummy)

Luckily, we taped it. (as the whole thing came as a great surprise when we found the tape in our pocket the next morning)

The Pie-Christ interview:

Pie: What was your worst moment, if you had one? And the best?
CM: Well, right from the off, treading in that horse shit before even crossing the Salzburg River was a big downer for me. They were new boots and everything, and I knew they'd never be the same for the whole trip. And I lost my lucky Swiss Army knife on day three, a gift from Bruce Goldchain when we met in Oz a few years back. I really missed that every day. Oh yes, and of course there was the full frontal induced, cravatted spin 20m AGL on that lee-side ridge with a 70Kph headwind. But I went hands-up and it came out no problem. Yes, and running out of toilet paper on the Schnitzelhorn Ridge would also be in my top 10 but likewise, I went hands up and it... well... likewise.

Pie: And the best moments?
CM: Oh yes, well ten minutes before you came in that chick with the tassles, over there behind the redhead, gave me a lap dance and XC-Rag paid for it, so that's one for the diary I can tell you. Don't tell the missus. Oh, and the final touchdown when I hit the raft at Monaco. Great moment. Truly a relief.

Pie: You mean finally ending the torture and pain?
CM: No, just hitting the raft. Trust me, I'm fucking useless at accuracy, I couldn't hit a dart board with a beer bottle if my life depended on it. I spent more time practising spot landings than anything else during training. Hopeless I am, but just keep it to yourself ok?

Pie: Tell us Chrigler, do you have bigger balls than most pilots? Physically speaking, I mean, are they above average in size?
CM: Well, it's not the size of your balls that's important, is it? It's what you do with them. Having a large pair of balls is no use if you get yourself killed within a year of learning to fly, now is it. And you need to be comfortable in your harness in this sport. You fly, sort of, you must know this.

Pie: Are you fucking kidding? It must take an elephant sized pair of gonads to launch a two-liner off a cliff you've never seen before in a 50kph crosswind with no bail-out option of it doesn't come up straight?
CM: Well yes, ok, they're fucking huge. And hairy. You can quote me!

Pie: Another beer, or chaser?
CM: Oh yes, Red Bollox have got a tab, I'm having two of of each. Thomas! We need more drinks!

Pie: During the comp you flew 1300Km in 36 hours and ran 500Km in 85 hours. Are you fucking nuts?
CM: Clearly! Next question? Oh, thanks Thomas, and hey, remember, you're driving my friend!

Pie: During the comp you flew 1300Km in 36 hours and ran 500Km in 85 hours. Are you fucking nuts?
CM: No, not at all. It's all about physical training and mental preparation.

Pie: During the comp you flew 1300Km in 36 hours and ran 500Km in 85 hours. Are you fucking nuts?
CM: Well yes, clearly I am. There's no amount of physical training or mental preparation that can fully prepare you for the grueling onslaught of two weeks of that shit you know. Will that do?

Pie: What makes your glider so fast compared to the competition? How does it go so fast?
CM: Dunno.

Pie: Some say it's the pilot?
CM: Maybe, who is he? Is he good?

Pie: You're not human are you?
CM: No. never have been, never will be. Don't fancy it, to be honest. You humans are so weak and have a very limited capacity for just about everything except alcohol. My main worry is that by outclassing the entire field in this x-comp thing I might draw attention to myself and the Men in Black might come looking for me. Hey, that chick's eying me again...

Maybe we ran out of tape, maybe we turned it off, we'll probably never know. Either way, this exclusive interview has given us all a revealing look into the mind of probably the best pilot in the world.

You read it here first.

[Chrigel, you really are a bloody machine, congratulations (to all) - Ed]

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1494 "Leonardo da Vinci Training Hill" videos

Subliminal Messages

IT RATHER seems like there might be a little inter-team communications going on in the currently running Bred Bull X-Pulp competition.

Perhaps the organisers should be informed...

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1494 "Leonardo da Vinci Training Hill" videos

Ghostly Visions

WE'VE JUST received a photo purporting to be from a well known West Coast flying site in the US of A. It was hand delivered to the Pie editor and we have to agree it seems strange.

At first glance it looks to be a simple photo of a grassy field, but on further examination it does seem to contain a ghostly shape. Strange!

In the general interests of the free flying community we would ask all pilots to examine the image closely and see if you spot anything out of the ordinary. Anything vaguely ghost-like, maybe.

If you do, we would ask you to mail us and let us know what you think it might be.

Pie in the Sky
Funnier than the 1494 "Leonardo da Vinci Training Hill" videos